Day 46

Spoiler Alert! May contain planning-stage plot/character details or other spoilers!

06 Jan 2016

The hardest part is starting.

Or maybe continuing.

And finishing will probably be a challenge too.

This should be easy; my life is the most relaxed it’s been since preschool. So why am I so stressed?

Too many expectations, too much fear, not enough practice in saying no. Imposter syndrome; someone’s gonna notice I’m a fake and call me out. Or something.

Logic and illogic at war. My head hurts. I think it’s allergies; I refuse to accept that it’s a cold. So fuzzy. My ears ring.

I might be hugely creative. Or just confused, incomprehensible.

Get more done. Faster. Better.

Have more, get more, do more.

I start a lot of sentences with ‘or’.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I know exactly what I’m doing.

I’m done being emo.

Maybe being emo is my only shot at success? Be more emo?

Autocorrect hates ‘emo’. It keeps changing it to ‘ego’.

There’s a lesson in that somewhere. Just be. Just do. Do better. Strategize.

Is success the result of realizing the most natural version of yourself, or calculating and strategizing your way to the top? Does it matter? You only find out in hindsight anyways.

Silver. He’s turning out so different than I expected. In the first flash, he was this invincible, confident hero, sweeping in to save the day. But when I stop and get a proper look at him, he’s all twisted up inside with fear and loss and longing. His strength is his difference, but he desperately wants to no longer be alone. Just one more, one more like him, one more to see him behind the glow.

Will he be able to hide it from Cole? His longing? When he shows up for her, can he be the hero she needs? The hero he wants to be for her? Or just one more needy child putting on a show to get attention?

Cadence wants freedom. Cole wants safety. Silver wants to belong. Serov wants to possess. Ashera want(ed) to protect, and now controls. Morris2 wants comfort. Sam and Lily want peace. Bell and Mori wanted love. Hayne5 wants truth. Ravel wants to rule.

But desires shift. When needs are met or left unmet too long, they can change.

Silver wants to protect. Cole wants to save. Serov wants to destroy. Morris2 wants to shield. Sam and Lily want revenge.


Start time: 11:30 am

Location: couch/living room

Drinking: Tulsi tea

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